It’s been a long time. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say. I’ve had a lot to say but I didn’t want to talk about it.
Before my son was born, he’s five now, I had a shitty job. It wasn’t hard, physically, it paid well, it had good benefits, it was okay for a while. Unfortunately the job itself was customer service for a satellite tv company. So it was kind of and endless string of listening to people bitch and feel entitled over what is at its core a luxury service.
There’s a limit to how much of that a person can take. I put up with it for several years. I put up with it until I started to feel physically ill. I started seeing a psychologist for depression, and I was on a downward spiral. One day I decided I was going to kill myself, it wasn’t that simple, but that’s enough to understand the events that followed.
I didn’t kill myself, I didn’t even attempt it. Instead I drove myself to the ER and I was admitted to a counseling facility in a nearby city. That was the beginning of the end.
My marriage never recovered from that. There are details that it would be unkind and unnecessary to relate. We started on a path to what felt a little like recovery but we never made more than a few steps down that path. I felt like I had to push her every step of the way. Then I felt like I couldn’t be the only one who cared.
I felt like I was being punished for not killing myself. I know that isn’t what she felt but it was how I perceived things. After a while I felt like not killing myself was the biggest mistake of my life. Things are going fairly well for me all things considered and I’m not suicidal now. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that every breath I took was a mistake. If I had to do it over again, knowing what I do now, I would have done it, there would be no turning back.
How do you stay with someone that makes life feel like a mistake? How do you get over that? How long is it reasonable to expect somebody to put up with feeling that way?
I don’t know but five and a half years is too long. By any reasonable estimation five and a half years of feeling like a worthless loser is too long. Just because your strength almost failed , and you almost gave up. Living life this way has been a mistake, I have a certain sympathy for people who commit suicide. I don’t intend to join them, but having survived not committing suicide, I certainly have sympathy.
I’ve come to realize that the mistake was not necessarily, not killing myself, but rather putting up with someone who made me feel like that was the mistake. Well that mistake is being rectified. It is throwing everything else in my life into chaos. I’ll probably move halfway across the state back to the home I grew up in. I’m still going to Antarctica, the tickets are bought and paid for there. I’m still going to go to school though I’ll likely go to MSU rather than UM, the main problem with that is that MSU doesn’t have a Biology Department, so I’ll have to pursue another degree that still logically feeds into Medical School.
Things are bad, they are going to be bad for a while, but then they’ll (probably) get better.
That’s where I am now, that’s why I haven’t had much to say. Now that I’ve talked about it I’ll probably have more to say.
This is by far the hardest semester yet, hopefully it is the hardest semester I’ll have to do at all.