The second and I were barely making ends meet. It was a miserable experience. My plan of joining the Air Guard didn’t pan out. We felt stuck we were desperate, and like all desperate people we were stupid.
I had been making my regular payments on my signature loan. Faithfully. We had rent, gas, loan payment, food, and that was it. We were barely treading water. I couldn’t keep this up forever that was clear.
What were the Second and the step-daughter doing, you may be asking. As far as I know probably what they are still doing, nothing really. It was all me. I agreed to this classic household dynamic. I was okay with it, really, I was. When the first wife and I had our first child, we ran some quick math we figured that the cost of child care would nearly equal the pay brought in by a second income. We made the deliberate choice at that time to be a single income household. I to this day have remained such. The Second never worked, my Fiancé, worked briefly but she worked at McDonalds and the culture of that particular store was toxic for her. She’s going to school now for early childhood education, and once she graduates she will work, even if we should have a child together, because she will be able to work with her child.
I was making my payments and treading water, eventually we would drown. I flirted with the idea of driving a truck before, I was pretty familiar with what was required and had spent a small amount of time behind the wheel of a big rig before.
I refinanced my loan so that I could get even more money we couldn’t afford from them and we moved. We broke our lease and moved into a rundown house we had never actually seen before. We shopped online for it and sent some friends I had in town to check it out and send us pictures.
We got the cheapest moving truck we could find, under estimated the miles intentionally to make it cheaper and left, we returned the truck after my friends helped me unload it in the middle of the night, and the card they had on file went to a closed account. I’m not proud of any of that, we were desperate and I am not the person I was then anymore.
That’s going to be kind of a running theme here.
I’m not the person described in these posts anymore.
We didn’t have long, a day or two at most, to unpack before I left for training in Utah. The day came my new career was starting.
Again I’m broke I barely had money for food during training, I was living mainly off of the continental breakfast at the hotel. Training wasn’t paid, I wouldn’t see any money I didn’t start with for some time.
From day one during training people were failing out and going home, or something would disqualify them, some people got hurt.
This was beyond stressful. My anxiety was through the roof.
As a whole I like Salt Lake City and I always have. I thought I would try to meet some people. First I put out feelers for Role Players, maybe I could get in on a D&D game or something. I had no luck. Then I started putting out feelers for people who shared other interests with me, again no luck.
It is at this point important to own a reality of my life with my first wife because it will be very relevant much later.
I said that customer service was the most dangerous job I had ever had. It made me want to kill myself. This scared the shit out of my First. It scared the ever-loving shit out of her. Our relationship never recovered from that morning. I’m not likely to ever really go into details about it, other than I didn’t do anything I had been considering and drove myself to the hospital rather than to work. Our sex life suffered, greatly. I was not attractive to her anymore. Our marriage spent about five years withering on the vine from that point forward.
Eventually I started placing personal ads looking for someone to fill the void of sexual contact left between my wife and I. I’m not proud of it. I’m not the same person I was then. The person I am now, greatly values honesty, openness, integrity, and fidelity.
That’s how I met the Second.
So that’s a bit of important backstory to this moment here. I was stressed I was lonely, I wasn’t making any friends, my new wife was a thousand miles away. I placed another ad. I felt like a monster, I felt like I had committed the deepest of betrayals. This was part of where the person I am now was starting to be born into the world. The funny thing about that shame and guilt, which I didn’t own up to at the time, though perhaps I should have, was that nothing happened. I got one response from an actual human, it didn’t go anywhere. I was still horribly ashamed and vowed I would never do anything like that again. I never made contact with anyone. I didn’t make any friends I didn’t have any more affairs other than the one I had with the Second in the first place.
Eventually time passed and so did I. When training was done of the 40 who started with me 12 remained. I passed though, I was employed again after an entire month, I wouldn’t see a check for a few weeks, but I had a job.
The first part of the job was the hardest. I don’t like people much, I am incredibly introverted. For the first few weeks with most trucking companies as a new driver you drive with someone else. This is particularly true of the mega carriers. It’s rough sharing a truck with someone. Even if you like people it’s trying to do. There’s an offensive closeness and lack of privacy to it. About another month passed like this and I was finally able to go home.
I was or would very shortly become, very good at this job. Money was coming in finally, not much at this point but really more than I was making at the Shop. I was finally on track to support my wife and at this point both step daughters properly.