Stuck

I’m sitting in Billings. Just sitting. pet has broken off our engagement twice since I’ve been here.

I stopped by our home terminal in Missoula yesterday morning to tell them that I couldn’t in fact take this load of hardware on to Colorado Springs like we had planned. The hours weren’t there, and more importantly my spirit isn’t there.

I need to be home. I love what I do, but I have done enough of it. This business of being away from home all but a few days a month sucks. It was great when I was recovering from splitting up from the Second. I got a lot of healing done. Work is great for that. The highway is also great for that.

I often say that I’ve never really had a job that wasn’t trying to kill me. This is the most dangerous of them all. That particular breed of danger is starting to wear on me.

I don’t even know if it’s the danger per se, I don’t really think it is. I am right now sitting about 330 miles from my family. From pet, from my children, even from one of my cats who normally rides with me. My escape valve from this particular job is a probable position as a flatbed driver for a local lumber distributer. It’s a hourly pay day job type job. There will be a pay cut, but depending on the hours it shouldn’t be that bad, anyway I can always deliver pizza when I’m not driving an eighteen wheeler.

Anyway driving locally is still dangerous.

The hope is that I can get on with the local police department once I’m steadily home. It’s not the wild west in Missoula Montana, at least it isn’t anymore, so that job is likely safer than what I’m doing now, but still dangerous. Importantly though is the fact that the pay is while not better than what I make now, not really worse either, it’s a pretty lateral move pay wise, which is nice.

I am trying to pay off debt so I will get deep in the nuts and bolts of that at some point.

Today is a great metaphor for how I’m feeling about my life in the trucking world right now. I’m sitting waiting on things I have no control over to be able to make a move on my own goals. I’m not getting anywhere.

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